When you make the decision to make a drastic change in your life you experience this range of emotions from elation to serious self-doubt. Change is one of those topics that is on the tip of everyone’s tongues. We hear that in order to be successful we need to embrace change in our work places and implement innovative ways of doing things. Happy little memes exist everywhere encouraging people to get out of their comfort zones and live life to the fullest. We are learning the value of teaching our children differently to help them experience success and adaptability in an ever changing world. We’re all geared up for change and for something with greater purpose…so we take the leap… and then…WHOA!

What the heck was I thinking?

I’m not equipped for this.

I am so out of my league here.

Is this all wrong?

Maybe I am the only one that has experienced that sink or swim feeling; those perpetual moments of panic. “Let me just sit here and say nothing so no one knows how dumb I am!” Welcome. To. Change.

Gearing up for this great leap to China, all I felt was this unwavering sense of purpose. Nothing was going to stop me. I think as humans, we all have this drive to be a part of something great. To go beyond the every day and to do something that is bigger than ourselves. When the opportunity presents itself, even though the thought is frightening, we know, deep inside that we’d be crazy not to grasp it and hold on tight for the ride. The planning is overwhelming, but awesome. You know that you are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Good-bye house with the white picket fence. Good-bye familiar, daily routines. Good-bye comfort zone. Good-bye retirement plan…wait what?

Then you begin to doubt yourself. What am I doing? My family is crying because I am taking their grandchildren, nephews, cousins to the other side of the world! My best friend can’t look at me without her eyes welling up with tears, and then I well up and now we are having a dang snot fest. This is not exciting. No longer exhilarating. This is hard. But, you are committed. You move forward, because something deep down is pushing you and telling you, yes, this is right.

Oh, and nothing ever goes as planned. And when things don’t exactly pan out like you anticipated, it is so easy to doubt. Something as simple as your son’s luggage getting lost and you begin to doubt your entire existence! This was just the beginning of the challenges we faced upon our arrival. I don’t think the 19 hour travel time helped my sanity either. We exited the airport and were slapped in the face with pollution. We were delivered to the wrong apartment. Scammed. How easy it was for me at that point to think that we had just made a huge mistake. Oh Change, you tricked me! You looked so appealing, and in reality, you are very VERY ugly! I thought this would be brilliant and instead I am right in the middle of a giant learning curve. And it is very uncomfortable. It FEELS all wrong.

I know that change like this is not going to be easy; I’m not THAT naive. But when one thing after the other goes wrong, it’s very easy to doubt the plan. To think you just messed up big time. To panic, because you know there is no going back.

Moving a family of four to the other side of the world won’t be easy. My oldest son cannot think about his sister, who stayed back home, without crying. My youngest son feels like a caged animal in our little apartment. My husband and I are trying to find a sense of normalcy in this crazy new life. We are eating way to much McDonalds and rejecting the very things that we were looking forward to. This is the part that we weren’t anticipating. This is the icky part of change. You expect to arrive on the other side to the greener grass, right? Actually, change almost never meets our unrealistic expectations. Because we knew that this leap was the right thing…we often forget the parts that are going to require us to stretch. And it is this stretching process that almost brings you to your breaking point.

So when you doubt your biggest decisions, what do you do? You trust. Feelings are strong and at times overwhelming, but they don’t run the show. Purpose does. We simply cannot allow our feelings and emotions to drive us; they are weak and unpredictable. When we are unwavering in our purpose, our feelings no longer have a say in the matter. We know that even on our weak days, those days that we feel like complete failures, that we are walking out our God given destiny.

Honestly, I could feel right as rain, sitting on my rear and not stepping out of my comfort zone. I imagine most people could. Feeling comfortable is, well…nice. Change is so uncomfortable and at times miserable. But amidst the self-doubt and the awkward, insecure moments, purpose is there and so you trust it. Living life on purpose is worth all the risks involved. You take the first step without knowing the second. You trust the passions God gave you and they point you directly to your purpose. And there is nothing more fulfilling than that.