When you make the decision to make a drastic change in your life you experience this range of emotions from elation to serious self-doubt. Change is one of those topics that is on the tip of everyone’s tongues. We hear that in order to be successful we need to embrace change in our work places and implement innovative ways of doing things. Happy little memes exist everywhere encouraging people to get out of their comfort zones and live life to the fullest. We are learning the value of teaching our children differently to help them experience success and adaptability in an ever changing world. We’re all geared up for change and for something with greater purpose…so we take the leap… and then…WHOA!

What the heck was I thinking?

I’m not equipped for this.

I am so out of my league here.

Is this all wrong?

Maybe I am the only one that has experienced that sink or swim feeling; those perpetual moments of panic. “Let me just sit here and say nothing so no one knows how dumb I am!” Welcome. To. Change.

Gearing up for this great leap to China, all I felt was this unwavering sense of purpose. Nothing was going to stop me. I think as humans, we all have this drive to be a part of something great. To go beyond the every day and to do something that is bigger than ourselves. When the opportunity presents itself, even though the thought is frightening, we know, deep inside that we’d be crazy not to grasp it and hold on tight for the ride. The planning is overwhelming, but awesome. You know that you are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Good-bye house with the white picket fence. Good-bye familiar, daily routines. Good-bye comfort zone. Good-bye retirement plan…wait what?

Then you begin to doubt yourself. What am I doing? My family is crying because I am taking their grandchildren, nephews, cousins to the other side of the world! My best friend can’t look at me without her eyes welling up with tears, and then I well up and now we are having a dang snot fest. This is not exciting. No longer exhilarating. This is hard. But, you are committed. You move forward, because something deep down is pushing you and telling you, yes, this is right.

Oh, and nothing ever goes as planned. And when things don’t exactly pan out like you anticipated, it is so easy to doubt. Something as simple as your son’s luggage getting lost and you begin to doubt your entire existence! This was just the beginning of the challenges we faced upon our arrival. I don’t think the 19 hour travel time helped my sanity either. We exited the airport and were slapped in the face with pollution. We were delivered to the wrong apartment. Scammed. How easy it was for me at that point to think that we had just made a huge mistake. Oh Change, you tricked me! You looked so appealing, and in reality, you are very VERY ugly! I thought this would be brilliant and instead I am right in the middle of a giant learning curve. And it is very uncomfortable. It FEELS all wrong.

I know that change like this is not going to be easy; I’m not THAT naive. But when one thing after the other goes wrong, it’s very easy to doubt the plan. To think you just messed up big time. To panic, because you know there is no going back.

Moving a family of four to the other side of the world won’t be easy. My oldest son cannot think about his sister, who stayed back home, without crying. My youngest son feels like a caged animal in our little apartment. My husband and I are trying to find a sense of normalcy in this crazy new life. We are eating way to much McDonalds and rejecting the very things that we were looking forward to. This is the part that we weren’t anticipating. This is the icky part of change. You expect to arrive on the other side to the greener grass, right? Actually, change almost never meets our unrealistic expectations. Because we knew that this leap was the right thing…we often forget the parts that are going to require us to stretch. And it is this stretching process that almost brings you to your breaking point.

So when you doubt your biggest decisions, what do you do? You trust. Feelings are strong and at times overwhelming, but they don’t run the show. Purpose does. We simply cannot allow our feelings and emotions to drive us; they are weak and unpredictable. When we are unwavering in our purpose, our feelings no longer have a say in the matter. We know that even on our weak days, those days that we feel like complete failures, that we are walking out our God given destiny.

Honestly, I could feel right as rain, sitting on my rear and not stepping out of my comfort zone. I imagine most people could. Feeling comfortable is, well…nice. Change is so uncomfortable and at times miserable. But amidst the self-doubt and the awkward, insecure moments, purpose is there and so you trust it. Living life on purpose is worth all the risks involved. You take the first step without knowing the second. You trust the passions God gave you and they point you directly to your purpose. And there is nothing more fulfilling than that.

There is almost nothing familiar about China. Besides the fact that McDonald’s french fries will still make you fat! It is amazing how vastly different our lives have become. Our routines have become so different that it truly is like living another life. Here is an idea of our day to day.

We wake up on the 13th floor in the middle of downtown Beijing. We live in a tiny two bedroom apartment, so I walk about five steps out of my bedroom to wake the boys up, who are sharing a room and a bed. (That wasn’t exactly how we planned our first apartment to be, but hey, this is China) We all squeeze together in a little bathroom to brush teeth, fix hair, etc. Just picture a preteen boy obsessing over getting the perfect wave in his bangs and his mother trying to curl her hair without burning the face off said preteen boy. Just getting through this is a victory in and of itself. I begin the countdown to leave at about ten minutes prior to D-time. Because I know. Shoes disappear over night and book bags become invisible. Then throw in the glory of our first real winter together and now we are searching through this 900 sq. ft apartment for hats and gloves too! Then off we go. Out the front door into a hallway that leads to an elevator. It’s very strange and still an adjustment to not walk out the door and be outside. Instead, we exit into a dank hallway making our way to an elevator and a painful reminder that we live 13 floors above ground.

We have to walk a city block to catch a taxi. This is probably the biggest adjustment that we have had to city life. No more hopping in my comfortable Honda Accord to get to work in the morning. No more stopping through Starbucks while listening to my music on the way to work. Our travel to work/school is hectic and sometimes overwhelming. We walk and then have to wave down a taxi. Many taxis will drive right past me. This is one of the perks of being a foreigner. I can’t say I blame them wanting to avoid trying to understand my awful Chinese. Then there is the moment of surprise as you actually get into the taxi. You will get one of three things, a nice pleasant taxi ride void of any odd smells, or a strong stench of cigarettes, or just this smell that I just can’t describe other than it vaguely reminds me of sour baby formula. I can honestly say, I have had a pretty even mixture of these, but when experiencing either of the last two it makes you regret your sense of smell. There is no such thing as a subtle smell in China. Smells here are like a solid punch in the face, but I digress. So, we have made it into the taxi and at this point I am just praying the taxi driver understood me when I told him where I need to go. If so, then we are good. If not, then Lord help us! This is always interesting as I tell him bishi zou (go straight) and you guai (turn right), I usually don’t have the right inflection and end up getting corrected. This is just our morning routine.

This is an idea of commuting in the city. It is amazing. Cars and taxis are bumper to bumper. Giant buses bully their way through crammed with people. Then zipping between all this commotion are the brave ones on their e-bikes. I happen to own one and so does my husband. He is braver that I am…mine has been sitting unused for about a month now!

After school we are faced with the decision to be lazy and taxi home, or take the subway. The subway is about a 20 minute walk and it so packed you can smell each other’s breath. But, it’s cheap…and I like cheap! Usually my wallet wins out and we start our hike to the subway station. If it’s close to 5pm, which it generally is, then people are packed on the subway like a can of sardines. Being short, I am generally right at arm pit level with the majority of people. By the way, those that say Chinese people are mostly short, are wrong! I’m still short in China… unfortunately. Anyway, there is nothing I can say to adequately describe the awkward discomfort of being face to face, sharing breath with a complete stranger. It’s in these moments that I ask myself why am I so dang cheap? In the winter time it is especially miserable, because your are layered up for the cold outside, and then shoved in a subway car with other people that are layered up, carrying bags and children. So hot, can’t breathe, oh my gosh…I’m going to die right now….or pass out….oh god, please don’t breathe on me…why is your arm in my face… why is the person behind me pushing me….I cant move…world is closing in… breathe in, breathe out. This is literally my internal dialogue as we squeal along, underground, in a tiny torture chamber. In all fairness, it is not always that bad, only at these hours when literally millions of people are going home from work.

But, on the flip side Beijing, especially Chaoyang district where we live, has all the conveniences of the big city. Right across the street is the grocery and a 6 story mall, and of course, both Costa and Starbucks. If I’m ever too tired to cook, or more accurately, simply don’t want to cook, food is literally a phone call away. Anything can be delivered, which is amazing. We have found a few favorites. One is Annie’s, which serves wonderful Italian food. Convenience is key when living in the big city. Everything is generally a short walk away. With all the smells, noises, and rush of the big city, there are just as many things that make it enjoyable, especially a place like Beijing.

When you’re living in the city, space is limited. Forget about closets and storage. You’re lucky if you even have a separate room for your washer. Usually it is in the kitchen or bathroom. I’ve never seen a dryer since I’ve been here. Clothes dry on a rack. Usually in the living room or some obnoxious place. You get used to sitting down to dinner and staring at a rack full of drying clothes. But, with the right detergent, your whole place will smell delicious!

Remember, everything is about saving space. This is something new, that I rather enjoy. A drying rack that disappears! So, I might have to stare at my laundry as it dries….but my drying dishes are hidden! In a tiny kitchen, this is a nice perk.

There is nothing similar about Beijing. Lakeland was slow paced, we could walk outside into a backyard with grass and trees, it’s quiet and quaint. But as, we sit in our little living room eating together and listening to a baby crying in the apartment next to us and somewhere down the hall music is playing, I am reminded that we have no privacy, but I am also reminded about how blessed we are to live this exciting life.  We go to sleep to the horns honking below as if singing us a lullaby. In our bedrooms we have huge windows and I lay in bed a look out on the city. Huge buildings as far as the eye can see. I lay there and watch as one light after the other is turned off, as my city joins me in a much needed rest.

We’ve only been here two weeks, so we still feel a bit like tourists. There are so many things to do and see here in Beijing. With my little brother being ten and right in between my own boys in age, we decided to take all three to the zoo!

The trek there was not an easy task. This is not like home, where we all get to hop in the air conditioned car and drive wherever we need to go. We had to research the subway lines and determine exactly where to switch in order to reach our destination. Getting to the zoo required three subway lines and about an hour of travel….did I mention we were taking three boys?

It was an adventure, nonetheless. We decided to eat “Chinese fast food” within the park. So we popped a squat like the locals and chowed down. Suddenly, we felt as if we had become a part of the attraction. People stopping to stare at us as we ate. Apparently, it is uncommon for us foreigners to eat this way. Oh well, when in Rome, right?

We had a few moments walking from the subway station to the zoo and back where we thought we were lost, we just smiled and kept walking, praying that we would figure it out. The boys be-bopped in front of us clueless that Gaby and I were sweating bullets behind them! But, all in all, the day was a success!

You may observe that there are no pictures of the actual animals. We did make it into the panda house and I was able to grab a shot of one of the pandas. But, the rest of the animals were in sad shape. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Moving to another country with your family is quite daunting! I’ve experienced some very humbling moments, which is to be expected. I feel like a two year old, because I can only produce a series of unrecognizable syllables and grunts, followed by simply pointing at pictures. I’ve learned why two year olds scream and cry, and that is because they are trying to communicate and no one understands them! You’ll be proud to know I have not screamed nor cried yet….at least in public!

Walking around the city of Beijing, people sometimes give me funny looks. I’m an obvious foreigner with blue eyes and very ashy blonde hair.  My husband gets looks as well, but it is mostly from females, because he is tall….and dark….very handsome….darn him! Amidst the looks and the humbling moments I have learned something that seems to go very far here…just SMILE. Chinese people are some of the sweetest, most accommodating people I’ve ever met. When you smile at them, they almost always break into a huge grin. The Chinese are so forgiving and inviting. If you butcher a word, they simply appreciate you trying to speak their language. If you accompany your points and grunts with a smile, they will help you point and will genuinely try to understand you. It is hard not to fall in love with this culture and these people.

Unlike many of the westerners I’ve met here, this is our first time leaving our home country. There has been so much to take in, it is almost overload. It’s only been two weeks; we are still amateurs with a capital A! But, I am thankful to the Lord that he lead us here. I know that rough times may come and there is still so much to do as we adjust, but everything will be okay as long as I can just smile.